the comfort in the unknown.

sometimes in this crazy blogging galaxy, it's unclear what readers and viewers are looking for. it's unclear what will keep them in orbit. i've found myself struggling with this for quite a while now... since i made my way back from italy last summer. while i was living in italy, i made it a point to blog almost every weekday, and even sometimes on weekends if something exciting enough was going on (which it usually was, i mean...it was italy!) 

 

balance is clearly key, but you have to know which elements go into that balance, and it can be a tricky thing, and almost an impossible formula to figure out. all i can say is, i miss writing. i miss sitting here and letting my mind take over my finger tips... with thoughts and ideas and words coming out of some small corner that i most of the time keep locked up and hidden. it's a scary thing to really let others into your mind, especially when a majority of them don't even know who you are.

 

but i've decided that what makes me the happiest, and what's kept this little blog going has been the days when i sit down like this, and spill my soul.

 

so here it goes, once again:

 

i feel like i'm at a place where i've both never been happier, and never been more terrified/worried/unsure of myself. it's called.... you graduated from college. for as long as we can basically remember, school has ruled us. it's what we base our lives around... summer break, time off for christmas... the weekends.... since we have been little preschoolers learning to write our names. we grow up with this structure, and use it almost as a crutch or even our backbone... it's everything. it's our whole world. we make friends and possibly enemies and grow with the people we choose to keep around us... we hold onto the knowledge that is shed on us, and the lessons that weren't the ones taught, but the ones that helped form us, and then one day we are 21, (or in my case, 23) and we leave it all to go after what it's prepared us for, over the past twenty years.

 

i've worked all this time... just to get here.

 

but where am i? how do i know this is even the right place for me to be? this seems to be the largest part of my inner struggle. am i meant for this big noisy city? was i cut out for it? made for it? is it made for me?

 

these questions run thought my head on the daily... especially now that i have the time to think about them. we spent all these years working our bodies off just to graduate, but are we really certain if we are working towards what we want at the end of this? all that i'm certain of is that i want to inspire people. as peyton sawyer said on one tree hill, "i want to do something that's going to mean something to someone." many people take the teacher or doctor route, an undeniable way to inspire. and sure, in some of my dreams, i'm a first grade teacher, or a midwife, delivering babies. but in others...i'm here. in this city. i don't know what my job title is or who i'm working for. but my head is held high, i'm confident...and i'm happy.

 

so to that job, wherever you are, whatever you are: i secretly hope you are here. in new york city. i have a feeling i was meant for you.

 

{photo of twin and her boyfriend ben, on graduation}