twin in the city

twin in the city

Sunday, August 25, 2013

i hate you, no wait. i love you. i think.

it's been ten days since i've last seen that glistening skyline or jumped one of those icky puddles in new york city, but let me tell you... it feels like a lifetime. i know i sound like a broken record when i say this, but it truly stuns me to feel and see the differences of life here and there, every time i come home. that first day back here in massachusetts, i awoke from a much needed nap and was honestly in disbelief at the noiseless world outside. the windows were open, there was a slight breeze, and all was just too quiet to even believe. and then the sun set and the crickets started to chirp and the stars came out and i...thought i died. so here comes that life-long dilemma that i wonder if i'll ever figure out: why am i choosing a life of icky puddle jumping, honking horns, and meanies who shove me on the daily in order to make it on that subway train? why am i depriving myself of all this beauty, and convincing myself that new york is where i'm supposed to be?

it's a question that makes my stomach feel like it's just gone down the largest roller coaster drop in history. am i doing the right thing? am i in the right place? why not choose the life where things are easy and comfortable? will my dreams in new york ever actually come true? 

one of the hardest things about coming home is taking in the question that 439839 people ask me, while i'm here. "so, how do you like new york?" it seems like a painless, easy question to answer, but trust me... it's not. it's nearly impossible. the way i feel about new york changes every day, i've compared it to being in a dysfunctional relationship that has too many perks to call it quits. but the most frustrating part is when those people who ask how i like it, give a puzzled face when my response is anything but "it's an absolute dream!" anyone who hasn't given nyc a taste, sugar coating aside... you just won't get it until you do. it may look glamorous and shiny and magical, and don't get me wrong... it is all those things. but it's also relentless and hard and an absolute bully. it doesn't stop for you. it doesn't ask how your day was. and it definitely doesn't believe in re-do's or second chances. 

but it does allow every day to be a new one. and between yesterday and tomorrow, well... your world can completely change. and i guess that just isn't possible for me anywhere, but there.

so it's back to new york i go. but... not until next week ;)


sincerelyval said...

I totally understand your dilemma!

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

I've never lived in NY, but it is a dream of mine. I think it's probably tough for a Canadian to get a working visa for an extended time there ...

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